When I pressed Ben for details about the all-hands meeting, it became clear that no one noticed he was flustered. It also promotes psychological flexibility, or the capacity to steady your mind, manage your emotions, and be aware, open, and adaptive to changing demands. Defusion is shown to reduce discomfort, believability, and the stress of negative thoughts. Naming your inner critic leverages cognitive defusion - a process by which you separate yourself from your thoughts. He purchased a small Darth Vader action figure for his desk, which reminded him to keep the critical voice in check. Mine is called Bozo, but you might name yours “the little monster” or “gremlin.” I once had a client who called his Darth Vader (of Star Wars fame). For example, choose a silly name or a character from a movie or a book. Name your inner critic.Ĭreate psychological distance from self-criticism by personifying it. Here are a few strategies I shared with Ben that can set you on the path to taking a more balanced, emotionally equanimous approach to your performance. It requires consistent attention and practice. In fact, self-criticism shifts the brain into a state of inhibition, which prevents you from taking action to reach your goals.īeing hard on yourself may be ineffective, but it is also a hard pattern to break. When used excessively, it is consistently associated with less motivation, worse self-control, and greater procrastination. But research shows that self-criticism is a poor strategy. Sensitive strivers like Ben often use it as a form of motivation, hoping that if they’re tough enough on themselves, they’ll be compelled to perform. Perhaps you have thought that self-criticism is what keeps you sharp. This can take the form of harsh, punitive judgements, overanalyzing your shortcomings, rumination over minor missteps, worry, and assuming fault. If you can relate to Ben’s reaction, then you also may be too hard on yourself. But when he falls short of those impossibly high expectations, his innate sensitivity and thoughtfulness cause him to spiral into self-recrimination. He is driven and demands excellence from himself at all times. Why hadn’t he spoken up earlier or been more assertive? Why did he over explain and blabber on instead of sticking to his talking points?īen is what I call a sensitive striver - a high-achiever who is also highly sensitive. Afterwards, Ben was preoccupied by the incident. Ben struggled to be heard above more dominant colleagues, and when he did get an opportunity to speak, he felt flustered and flubbed his words. He reviewed the agenda, drafted his talking points, and logged on to the conference software ready to contribute. It turned out that Ben had spent hours preparing for an all-hands meeting with colleagues across the globe. “A situation happened at work today that I can’t get out of my head,” he said. One of my clients, Ben, a research and development director at a pharmaceutical company, arrived at our coaching session feeling distraught.
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